About Me

Finding Inspiration in Every Turn

I started this page to make a platform for myself in the creative arts. However, as time went by, I realized I was dealing with unfortunate circumstances that were unbearable. It wasn't until one day when I came back to my grandma's house from an absolute disturbing day....to the point where I actually went years not crying. Years without accepting or acknowledging my emotions. This night, I had so much pain in my heart that the water works came uncontrollably. Since my family member's room was next door, I knew if they could hear a needle drop...they would hear me. So I covered my mouth in excruciating pain, trying not to be heard. As I tried to let go of my inner pain.... it was insufferable. I had never experienced all my emotions at once. Not only recognizing that what I have been through was not ok but something no individual on this earth should EVER experience. This was the day I realized that I couldn't stay in the same circumstances I was enduring. This was the day I KNEW. I didn't know what my next move was. Where I was gonna go..... What I was going to do....However, I could NOT stay where I was at.

I left my family at 25 years old and went on my own path. A path of self love, self discovery, self care, and ultimately self healing.

My Inner Reflection

The "Tragic" Mulatto. An underrated topic in black history. Something I internally knew about despite learning the history when I reached college. The reality that the female mulatto is hyper sexualized even when all she wants is to have a simple conversation (this can be the case for males as well). Never fitting in with her white heritage or her black roots.

I constantly felt out of place no matter where I was at. I still struggle with fitting in now (tbh). Having too big of hair for my European heritage and being too light to be "considered" black. Reading about the mulatto in black literature was daunting. Knowing that there are many struggles biracial people went through in the late 20th century; especially in Harlem, New York.

People may think that being a pretty light skinned, thin woman automatically makes life easier. When every connection I have to the opposite sex isn't based on my character/individuality....my ideas, passions, dreams, or goals. The opposite sex sees the connection as how long they can keep "caring" until they can get in my pants. Fortunately, I have never let anyone have access to me easily. Ironically, losing my virginity wasn't how any girl should have lost it.

On the positive side, I grew from that experience.

My first boyfriend was a very sweet and rewarding connection. He moved out the country this year(: I was fortunate enough to have caught up with him before he did. He holds a very special place in my heart. Showing respect for me even when I stayed with him for a day/night. He was so respectful that he offered his bed to me while he slept somewhere else. He was so understanding of my traveling situation (weather issues) that he helped me get a plane back home. Just like me, people have judged him not knowing everything he has been through. If you're reading this, I am sending you positive vibes. He truly cares about his friends.

You may wonder....why is it such a problem to be a young, light skinned woman? I can't work any job without someone finding me attractive, saying inappropriate comments or feeling the need to touch my waist, shoulder, arm while walking by. No matter what field, every job has sexual harassment. I've navigated it so often that I know how to handle it now. I won't ever be able to escape it. I can only face it/speak up for myself. I accept it for what it is/focus on my duties for that job.

In a way, I have to work harder knowing that I am a youthful, light skinned woman who came from a poor household. Growing up, people would see my looks and automatically think I was dumb. That I was MUST be privileged with a delightful upbringing. Not knowing that I was raised by a dark skinned mother who worked two to three jobs growing up. Who rarely showed affection. Rarely said "I love you." When she did, it was very difficult for her.

I always felt there was an obligation to provide for my family...to give back. When I started modeling and working a normal job at 14 years old, all I wanted to do was help. In my eyes, being a financial provider was what I sought to be.

However, a friend taught me that no one owes you anything and you owe nothing to anyone else. If you want to do something out the kindness of your heart by all means...

If I am not receiving the positive or loving energy I am putting out there? There is no obligation to tend to another's needs.

I guess I can say.....I do like working hard towards my desires to show that pretty faces can be capable of achieving their passions/goals rather than just using their looks.

I decided to meditate this evening. I might honestly sound like a broken record, but I am truly working through my past traumas/emotions. It's hard and I'm not quite ready for everything that pops up. The hurt, the pain, the agony.......but I have to face it. When I get triggered and the world kinda stops, I know that this is the right time to face my worries. THIS is the time to go forward and do the work. When I receive projections from others, I don't judge. I empathize (even if it takes me a min) because I know they are battling with their own struggles. As everyone in this world is. We truly do not know what another person is going through until they have the courage to say something abut it. When that individual is brave enough to be vulnerable, that is your time to listen. To see where they are coming from. The automatic response may be to see what someone is lacking or in fault of. However, we truly DON'T know anything until we have lived it ourselves.

I challenge you to listen. To be present for yourself and others. To be understanding and compassionate. Someone could be smiling/laughing every time you see them but go through the darkest of times behind closed doors. I know because that was me. I refuse to suppress my past feelings any longer. I acknowledge I have been through A LOT whether people understand me or not. My experiences do not hold me back from enjoying life to the fullest and getting up every morning. Being productive for myself/others. Yes, healing isn't linear but I will get to pure bliss. WE will all get there.

I am at a good place. I have to realize that although I am not at my desired destination just yet.....I have many blessings in my life. I might get impatient from time to time which causes my frustrations along with many other things.

The way I look at it, I'm human. I'm learning and I don't have all the answers. I'm trying though and that's all we can do. All we can do is try our best.

Please....end the night with pointing out all the things you love about yourself/others. End the night on a positive note! You are worthy of soooo much love even if you can't see it.

Just be kinder to yourself. You are AMAZING🌟

IG POST